In your arms, I wished to die...

It's been two weeks since my last update, and the first thing on my mind is the thought that you really shouldn't use the voice of Jigsaw in your supposedly hopeful Chevron ad. Hm.

And why the fuck is Ellen Degeneres gonna be the new judge on American Idol? That makes no sense to me. I love her to death, don't get me wrong, but wtf?

Anyway. It's been a long two weeks.

Dealing with my supervisor training, still traveling awfully far, and now I don't know when I'll be at Lakeforest or if I'll have to go back to my old store for awhile.

I don't want to, I don't like it there any more. I can see all the flaws.

Went to Lakeforest mall today since I was in the area to check out how much space the new store will take up.

OH. DEAR. JESUS.

It is HUGE.

I'm still not sure if I'm intimidated or just really excited, but I stared at the cover paper for quite some time trying to fathom it.

As far as I know, 18,000 square feet, with 2,000 more for the office, break room, lockers, bathrooms, and stock room.

The way it was set up, it's gonna look like we're eating Godiva and Yankee Candle. Lol.

I think I just want to get the fuck up there and start working. I still have no idea how I'm going to get a car, but whatever. I'd rather just move but Meg's not ready for that yet.

Managed to have a really nice day out with Mom, which was surprising, but maybe there's hope that I won't lose my mind before I can get out of here.

Meg and I are doing very well, she had a bit of a hard time recently thinking about her dad but we've gotten through this round, distracting each other with excitement about Halloween costumes. I get to order everything on Friday, I can't wait.

Anyway, that's how it is for now. Making the effort even though I need to get up early. See? Me can social.

~♠Dev

I have had a really bad day today.

I was already feeling really down on myself for screwing up my last paycheck and messing up my budget for Tysons. Last night I broke down crying all over Meg for no reason that I could find, but ended up ranting about whatever came up just in case it helped. It did, a bit, but I always feel strange after I unload like that.

Today I needed to go to the bank and try to get a loan to get the car I've been after, and got turned down. That just piled on top of feeling bad about myself financially, and I know it's probably not the case but I can't help but feel like it's my own fault for going over on my credit card balance and messing up my bank account this past week. Then Mom was spaced out and strange because she was setting up a savings account and doesn't handle people talking a lot of information at once, then everything we tried to do today was complicated, and then work called while we were out and wanted to last minute change my schedule, and the one cat has been an absolute BRAT all day when she's been good lately.

I had a plan for my life the next couple years, it would take 2 years to pay off the car and then I could afford to move out. I want SO desperately to move out of here, and now I don't know when I'll be able to because I don't know how long I'll be making car payments for. I still don't know when I'm supposed to get a license, Maryland has this stupid rule about classes no matter how old you are now and with the manager's schedule at work I don't know how I can swing going to a class every week when I'm supposed to have open availability to qualify for the position.

I have so much on my mind and so many plans and on top of everything else, I spent almost all of the money work sent to cover my travel mileage on groceries and food the last few days. I'm trying to tell myself that it will even out and I can just set aside money from my paychecks to cover my food, and I just bought groceries so I shouldn't need much out of Friday's money for that, but when the original plan was to use that money to eat at the mall I just feel like a failure.

It just feels like for once I was being an adult and planning things out and I've managed to fuck them all up, and how am I supposed to grow up and move out when I've screwed up so much this month?

Just a rant, I guess. I feel like crap but there's nothing I can do but deal with the mess I've made and figure it out to the best of my ability.

-sigh- I just wish I wasn't stuck here anymore.

~♠Dev

I am so drained.

The last two weeks I have been working at a different store, one that's 13 miles farther away than my normal place of work. 13 miles on the highway, which means leaving early to beat traffic and sitting in a parking garage for an hour some days before I can head in. Ugh. Monster, how I have lived off of thee.

The good news is that I really like everyone at the store, and the mall it's in is 10,000 times better than the one I was at. It has tons of sunlight seeping in, and a bunch of good places to eat, and a huge Halloween store. :)

They want to send me there for another month, to train for my new position. It's going to be just as exhausting, but I have to make it. This is for my promotion, where I would be making about $400 extra a month. I'm staring down the barrel at a big independent life for me and my wife, and I am overwhelmed. Happy overwhelmed, because I know I can do this job, but still. Just thinking about it again now I'm shaking. This will be the potential to finally move out of my parents' house, and live like grown-ups.

We have a really good deal coming our way for a car, just taking over payments for someone who is leaving the country for good. If this goes through, she only owes $5000 on it still, which means even only paying $200 a month, it will be paid off in two years. I can't believe it, what I've wanted for so long is finally coming to be.

I can take care of Meg, like I promised her father I would.

OMFG.

'Sherlock Holmes' gay?

I don't know if I'm angry or sad that the man is that bigoted/stupid, or just excited that I'm apparently not the only one hoping they'd go there.

I mean, shit, even in the books there were some undertones.

*le sigh*

~♠Dev

DEB Shops just emailed me to tell me it's 'demin week.'

Hi-larious.

Pazuzu jeans, anyone?

So I had one of those really vivid dreams that you wake up from and are really pissed off that it wasn't real.

I wasn't me in this dream, I was a college theatre group guy. The theatre was like a fancier college one, but it had multiple levels and bits of stage in the middle of the rows of seats, so you could put on a very everywhere kind of show. The group of us was putting on a very Streets of Fire sounding musical about a group of friends. The rocker guy had a girlfriend, and there was a kind of quiet nerdy type guy that was falling for the both of them. He'd never seen anyone who cared so little about what others thought and was so free, and there was one of those subtle kinds of songs where he's talking to his mother about where he's going out that night, where the way things are phrased tells the smart ones in the audience that he's getting involved with both of them without being boldly obvious.

The best part of the whole thing was the way the show was set up - there was no choreography or blocking, it was basically "you guys know your characters, you guys know the songs, you guys know the plot, go with it" so every show was different. There was one point where the rocker guy was arguing with a record executive that he popped backstage during the other guy's bit and came back out with french fries, which he ate while singing and started chucking at the guy near the end of the number.

All the music was very 70's glam and 80's punk-influenced, and I'm so angry that I can't take anyone to go see it. It was awesome, and I could feel the excitement and the movement and the blaring vocals coming out of me, rock screams and all.

-sigh-

~♠Dev

Okay, so the last time I had a chance to make LJ look pretty was yea4rs ago and the same way of doing it just doesn't work. Everyone else has the awesome beautiful theme thingys and I just don't understand how. Can someone either make me one or teach me how? I have webspace for hosting peektures.

Kthnxbai.

~♠Dev

So I promised a big update and then never gave it. Well, as soon as I was ready to do it, everything changed. I am well, which is the important thing. I am also going to be late for work, which is bad, but I wanted to at least flail a bit and prove I'm still here.

I swear I'll be sitting down and keeping up with you all soon. I'm starting to get back to my old 'net habits, so you'll hear from me soon.

Blessed be.

~♠Dev

so, here I am updating Livejournal from Meggi's DSi, which I was just looking at sex toys on. That, I think, is pretty wicked-awesome. :)

Yes! I live. I have had crap for internet for a very long time, and whenever Dad wasn't on it I was too worn out from the lack of staff at my job to really care. I hope to reconnect with all of you, and have missed you all VERY MUCH.

Life is interesting. Bigger update soon.

♠Dev

So apparently it is literally impossible for me to sleep without medication.

I've always had sleep problems, but that combined with the complete lack of a steady schedule with my job seems to have abolished any hope of natural sleep, no matter how exhausted I may be.

Oh well.

The main reason I am posting is to prove that I am, in fact, alive. Hello.

The secondary reason is to try something I have been meaning to try for a very long time.

I am infamous for hitting a stopping point with my artworks, and never finishing them, because I am afraid of messing up what's there. This fact, combined with the fact that most of my favorite pieces are rather old now, has brought me to this.

I will post links to some older pieces that I was very fond of, and wish to revisit. You, friends, will assist me by voting on which one you want me to do first. Whichever piece gets the most votes after one week will get an updated version with the skills and perspectives I have gained since the original conception.

I appreciate any of you willing to help me out by voting.

Here they are:

Videric - Sanctuary
Cerritus
Earthling
GlamRockHurricane
Wonderous

Thanks.

I show off my new icon, which I find hysterical.

I also tell you that if you thought there was no connection between Mr. Men and Dexter...



You were wrong. Click for more.

♠Dev

Today is my one-year wedding anniversary. And we still haven't sent our thank-you cards, lol.

On the one hand, I can't believe it's only been a year that we've been married, only a year since I wandered my food-poisoned, Pac-Man shirt clad sleepy self into a car for an hour car trip with my ex {the good one, not the psycho} to pray that everyone showed up and it didn't rain, and that I didn't puke on my new bride.

A year since I saw that beautiful owl float up the grass to be mine for the rest of our lives. A year since everyone I love was in one place to celebrate US.

On the other hand, it feels like I've had this lovely lady forever, and I can't imagine my life without her. We've been through a lot of bullshit, and a lot of joy, and all of it would have been meaningless without each other.

I was just telling her the other night, to steal a line from a wonderful film, that she makes me want to be a better man. And it's true. I never would have been so driven to become a real adult if I wasn't trying so hard to take care of the both of us. My life would have fallen apart completely when the finances here got rough, if I hadn't already pursued a better job to try and support her.

She's the most fascinating, frustrating, confusing, supportive, loving, devoted, beautiful mess. And she shaved my head.

~♠Dev

Okay. As I said, broken guitar = drums. Annoyed email = guitar, free drums.

Well the damn guitar they sent me has the same stupid problem that the other one had.

So ( this is the email I sent them. )

So I got my replacement guitar in the mail the other day, still haven't had a chance to test it, and it's starting to storm now so I probably won't today either.

But they didn't tell me what to do with or send me a return sticker for the drum kit they sent.

So I guess I get a free drum kit.

~♠Dev

So it's freaking gorgeous out and feels like fall and I have to go TO WORK and super bust my ass because we have our season start {big deal} walkthrough tomorrow morning.

*sigh* At least I'm under evaluation for department manager training. I know I can do it, they just have to figure that out.

So most of this is that I'm trying to get back into the habit of posting, but part of this is just to share the stupid.

I have Rock Band. Rock Band is good. My guitar stopped working. Not good.

{The tilt mechanism stopped functioning properly, and then the whammy bar completely wouldn't register.}

I Googled what to do. I found the EA replacement site. It had a nice, easy-to-use question ticky-box process. They mailed me a box, and a sticker. I put in guitar, I put on sticker, I left at UPS store. All is well, I wait patiently.

I get box from EA!


...it looks too big. It feels too heavy.

Sure enough, I open it, and they sent me the drum kit.

*sigh*

I email them, asking what to do. They don't really answer me, but at least say they've 'waived the 60-day warranty' {when they have a longer period than that anyway} and updated my claim status. So I guess I'll just see if I get another sticker or something.

People don't read!

~♠Dev

I just wanted to post a happy post, a short post.

There's something that Meg does that makes me really happy, in I guess a husbandy kind of way.

First of all, when we have a whole chicken for dinner, she strips the meat off the thing better than anyone else in the house.

Then, when the leftovers sit for awhile and don't get eaten, she makes the best chicken salad in the world out of them.

Something about this just makes me happy and proud all the way down to my toes.

*grins and eats sandwich with joy*

~♠Dev

So first of all, I have to say,

OMFG TINY TOONS AND FREAKAZOID ARE FINALLY ON DVD!!!!

Now I just need Earthworm Jim.

Second of all I'd like to explain something.

My house has been a disaster my entire life. Any of you who have been here know that the entire upstairs is a giant pile of crap. I will admit that some of it is mine, but most of it is either my dad's, or his mother's, because this was her house.

I was impressed three years ago when my dad managed to clean out the space and the spare room enough to rearrange things and get Meg in here. It's a small room that she has but it is her own, with a closet and all.

However, for twenty-two years, any time any of us would make a dent in that mess, Dad would fill it. It got especially frustrating after Meg moved in, because we would love to have our own space up there, even if our tub doesn't work. And it would be much easier to get our rooms together if we had somewhere to pull everything out, and put it back in properly.

I have been asking Dad to deal with this forever, so has Mom. This has intensified with Meg moving in, because the two of us would be more than happy to pay rent if we had more than two rooms. No matter what, nothing has really come of it.

(While they were out of town, AmVets called to see if we had any stuff for them to pick up. We said yes, and Dad ended up adding a box of his mother's shoes to the pile, so that was something.)

Today I had to be at my store at nine a.m. for a meeting. And I decided when I'd gotten home that I'd had enough and would do something about this, especially given the extra daylight I had.

The main problem that has always appeared when Meg or I have had the inclination to work up there, is where to start. There is so much that it is overwhelming.

I just fucking attacked it like a wildcat. Just picked a spot and started going through boxes and bags.

Four or five bags of trash, two boxes of trash, four bags of giveaway, and four boxes of giveaway later, we have a dent, and have uncovered the chair we planned on using.

Which is covered in tiny mouse poop, and stuffing.

I send Meg down to talk to the 'rents about it, and long story short, Dad actually got the chair outside, and got rid of some other big stuff.

This may not seem like much to you, but after two decades of this shit, I'm ecstatic. Not only did I actually get him to help, but in less than three hours I'm seeing floor. I now have hope that this CAN happen, and I can have living space.

(We got rid of a baby mouse a year or so ago, and the only signs we've seen indoors is the one chair, so we're hoping that one mouse came in with something and was all she wrote. If not, well, we have a cat. *g*)

So there it is, folks. Progress.

And in other news, ( World's Smallest Snake )

~♠Dev

My parents are out of town, and I've been off from work most of this time. Which is fantastic. While Meg and I may not be able to afford our own place yet, we can at least tell we are emotionally ready and responsible enough to do it.

We've been trying to help the dog feel less lonely, so we've been watching movies down here and bringing the cat down. The dog has major separation issues, she was a stray we rescued from the pound. She used to chew up something of mine every time I went to school. We also let her sleep in the room with us until she decided to go downstairs the night before.

So, she was cutting some pretty foul farts all day yesterday, but it happens, so we just covered our mouths and noses and let it go. We tried to let her sleep upstairs with us again but she just kept being super noisy, and before that she had barked her head off at nothing. Meg finally decided {at 6am, when we still hadn't really slept} to take her out, and have a cigarette, and see if she calmed down.

Apparently the second she went out the dog had severe diarrhea. She waited out there for a bit, the dog seemed okay, so she brought her back in, closed the downstairs door, and came back up to bed.

This morning we got up, and I swear to god, the dog exploded.

( Cut for ew. )

I freaked out completely when I found blood, until I realized she had cut her nose open trying to get out the door. Then I just felt like the world's worst mommy, upstairs sleeping while my baby was exploding all over the place and hurting herself to get out. I know she gets really upset when she has an accident. She was so upset this time that she almost wouldn't come back in the house.

So we've spent the morning cleaning all that up. She gushed a bunch of water at one point, but she had been chugging water so that's all that was. She's been sleeping and I think she's okay now, but I'm not really over my own feelings of abandoning her when she needed me. And I'm not sure what to do about her nose.

~♠Dev

So.

Dad spent literally ALL DAY yesterday working on the car, and checking things online, and working on the car.

IT IS WORKING. DAD GETS CAKE.

We have driven it around a bit today, and other than needing some coolant, which we bought, it is fine.

So I put my stickers on it, which is good, because we almost couldn't find it in the parking lot.

~*~

We went out to get a little bit more theatre makeup for my Joker costume, which I am wearing tonight. We have done a test run, Meg is awesome, and we have re-dyed my hair. I am having some interesting issues with the temperature today, so the outfit will definitely be going on last.

Dark Knight, here we come.

There will be photos as soon as I can get the camera developed, I promise.

~*~

I found a really neat website, <http://www.mynewplace.com">MyNewPlace</a>, which helps you search for listings in your area in a really user-friendly way. May be able to get a cheap apartment in the area after all. We'll see.

Things are looking up once again, and, while money is tight, at least we got the damn car. My parents will be going to West Virginia for awhile, because my great-grandmother is not doing well, so we will have the house to ourselves. This will be less stressful than last time, because we haz car, and I will have money tomorrow for food.

Right now, I kind of love everyone.

~♠Dev